Utter confusion

I wake up at 6AM every week day morning utterly confused about why my cell phone is ringing. For the past 4 years, every morning as I wake up, I look at my cell phone and think to myself "why is this going off so early?"

I thought I would get used to it.

On the other hand, I spend each and every night struggling to fall asleep, drifting between being completely awake and aware of not falling asleep and restless sleeping during which I constantly dream of not falling or being asleep. I can literally count the number of nights when I fell asleep quickly, without going through this torture.

Such is luck. No such luck.

Yesterday, I successfully managed to crash my car into the garage wall (again) thanks to my wonderful neighbor who parked his car like 3 feet from the interior wall, dropped Tunca off at school, drove to Arda's school for a meeting where we went through 8 grades worth school supplies in only 4 hours, drove home, parked the car because my wonderful neighbor had left and I just did not want to go through the same nightmare again in one day, called a cab, picked Tunca up from school, went to a swim lesson, took him shopping to bu a freaking YoYo and a Harry Potter movie, came home, checked Arda's homework (partly done, good enough for me) and cooked. The last part the most traumatic.

All this sounds like the complaints of a useless feeble woman. I do feel useless at times. Right now, I feel disappointed, worried, confused, sad, fed up, tired, physically sick and unable tell my 6 year old son that his name was not on the list. The list. The lottery list. The school that Arda attends has so many applicants that they have a lottery among applicants after an interview. And the lottery was today. I know that my Tunca will thrive wherever he goes. He has such a brilliant shine, such incredible qualities that he will be happy in any school. As a parent, I of course want both my children to attend the school I know and trust. The school he will be attending is an excellent one as well. A small private school where he will have a great education, friends and all. He deserves the best and he will make the most of it. I know he will.

Such is life. And luck. I love you babe.

Domesticide Pesticide

The comfort in every day domestic duties lull me. Not to sleep. Mostly. I do need a nap often but that is more related to the fact that I love sleeping, anytime, but mostly during the day. I hate making the beds. Filling the dishwasher. Sorting the colors and whites. Washing stuff. Emptying the dishwasher. Emptying the washing machine. Hanging stuff up to dry. And on and on and on... Yet all this stuff, no matter how miserable I feel during the actual action, make me feel somewhat fulfilled. That's how exciting life is. My life.

On a side note, I am damn lucky to have some help to do all this stuff and I only have to do them when they're off. One of the best presents I got ever was my husband giving the news that he had found a cleaning lady back when we were living in NYC. That turned out to be disastrous experience that we only realized when we were moving. That is a whole new post.

signed: vain and lazy.

The never-ending program.

I am constantly haunted by my children's demands for programs on the weekends. And on holidays. And in the afternoons. Every day. Day after day.

To an extent, I am happy to oblige - many of our "outings" as a family end up being wonderful days and we all feel fulfilled, happy to have spent the day together, with family and sometimes friends.

The programs mostly include a meal outside, meeting friends, inviting friends, walks, bike rides, kite sessions, museums and parks and such. And according to the weather, and the fullness of the weekend schedule, they are more or less the same.

Add, however, the finicky basketball schedule of Arda's, a birthday party, someone (mostly myself) ill or miserable (with sun allergies), the terrible awful horrible no good senseless traffic for no good reason but the sun shining, the result is chaos and me screaming off the top of my lungs to just let me stay home. And sleep. Or watch TV. Preferably with a soccer game on.

After speaking to the boys about the limits of programs and my limits of sanity yesterday (ok, there was yelling involved, I admit) they were quietly playing with their toys and drawing today. Never even once asked for a program. My husband must have felt guilty that after basketball practice, he took them grocery shopping and bought the most unneeded yet essential items ever: almonds, ice cream cones, chocolate, a watermelon, 3 green apples and cocoa puffs.

We are determined to go to the beach or the forest next weekend close to the city. It's a 3 day weekend, May 1st is finally a legal holiday!

It's sad, I would have loved to take my children along to the protests, show them that the righteousness and purity of labor is something to celebrate, not frown upon or worse, look down on. No way. Never in İstanbul.

Hateful.

I don't know what to write. This is just a vent.

I am sick and tired of putting on 50+ sunscreen every day.. day after day after day.

I am sick and tired of having to wear long sleeved and/or UV filtered clothing.

I am sick and tired of the blistered hands and neck and legs and feet and toes and ears - yea! ears!!

I am sick and tired of not being able to play with my kids in the summer. Of hiding under umbrellas and shadows.

None of this would have mattered if I could avoid having the dreadful blisters. I hate polymorphic light eruption with a passion. I hate sun allergies.

On a lighter note: check out Arda & Tunca golfing:

A songwriter to be?

Tunca's latest songwriting adventure yielded to this:

the name of the song is some things changed
some things changed
everything changed
i changed
my brother changed, too
don't forget
the world changed
our family changed
therefore
the whole world changed.

Şarkının adı Bir Şeyler değişti
bir şeyler değişti
her şey değişti
ben değiştim
abim de değişti
unutmayın ki
dünya değişti
ailemiz değişti
ki
bütün dünya değişti

I don't even want to think about what prompted him to write these. I am hoping that the whole "change" theme was used in a positive way, he insists that "this just popped into his mind" and he "totally made it up."
I don't have a scanner so I just took a photo of it so it's all upside down and left to right but it'll give those of you who know Turkish an idea...

His spelling is great for a 5.5 year old, I think. But I'm biased that way because I also think that he's super cool.

ps.: I backed up. I also have a .mac account which was supposed to sync with my computer but for some reason did not before the horrible crash.

The warning

keeps flashing on my screen - "it's been 10 days since your last time machine back-up." All I have to do is swivel in my swiveling chair take half a step toward the bookcase and pick up the silver (not black) external hard disk and hit the "yeah baby" button. Or the OK button, I can't remember which.

Yet I stay still.